Mark Steel on Chilcot

There has been a lot of fuss over the delays of the investigation into the Iraq War by John Chilcot, which should have been released long ago, but will probably not be public till the end of the year. Comedian Mark Steel seems to have discovered the cause of the delays. This is from the i newspaper:

“This Chilcot Inquiry may be taking decades to publish, but surely this means when it comes out it will look beautiful. Every line will be on a separate parchment, inscribed by Franciscan monks, with crimson ink made from individually blessed elderberries with sketeches of bluebirds ad gladioli around each vowel. Each chapter will begin with a heading, such as “Weapons of Destruction be there none” written with melted rubies, and the story told in pictues like the Bayeux tapstry, starting with a blown-up school in Baghdad embroidered with camel hair weaved into the skin of a panda. That must be why it’s taken so long, so cut the bloke some slack.

There’s a suggestion that the delay means Chilcot has “lost public confidence”. The best way for him to get that back might be to ammounce that the reason it’s not come out is that he hasn’t started it yet.
Instead he’s copied the Happy Mondays – who once spent their entire record advance on drugs without playing a note – and has blown all the inquiry money on skunk. If he’s asked to explain the delay in Parliament, he can make a statement that starts, “Look, stop hassling me, right. You’ll get your report. Just lay offf.. I’m on it yeah. I mean who knows who invaded who, right? Haaaaa aaahaaaa. ”

Maybe he has been in charge of other inquiries in the past, but the incidents he was investigating happened so long ago that everyone’s forgotten. So when he says the report should be out later this year, he means his reort on the Battle of Hastings. But it would be unfair to bring it out earlier as it could have an influence on any Saxons standing in the election.

It’s now taken him longer to publish his report on the start of the Iraq war than it took to fight the whole of the 2nd world war. He must read abut the Allied campaign and think, “I wish my job was as simple as defeating Hitler. Fly some planes over Kent, trip to Normandy, bish-bosh and you’re done in 6 years, but this inquiry I’ve been given in exhausting.”

So Chilcot could keep this gong for a while yet. In 2017 he’ll inform us there’s a delay owing to a dispute about which font it’s to be published in, then it will have to be rewritten as he’s gone off the letter D, then he’ll decide it might be fairer to perform his findings as a piece of interpretative dance, but the choreographer is in brussels working on a perfomance of the new EU fishing regulations so we’ll have to wait a bit longer.

And the marvellous part is we already know the most important parts. The government of Tony Blair took the country to war in order to rid Iraq of weapons that turned out not to exist.

We also know it’s a good job his government didn’t make as much of a fuss in publishing the document that proved Iraq had these weapons or we’d never have got round to causing all those deaths in the first place.

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